Who is a Caregiver at the Age of 20? Advice From a Young Caregiver

I was 19 years old when my Mom was diagnosed with Metastatic Small Cell Lung Cancer, with a low survival rate. I was in my second semester of college so the idea of caregiving was not exactly making sense to me. Who is a caregiver at the age of 20? That’s for older people! However, little did I know it was for people of all ages. There are caregivers that are 16, 15, 17. Never in my wildest dreams did I think I would caregive at 20.

I am going to be honest and blunt for anyone that is the same age as me and is caregiving their single parent: It is not easy. Most young adults that are 18 or older have a second parent they can lean on when tragedy strikes the other parent. However, that was not the case for me. I lived with my older sister and my single mother, who both meant the world to me. When my mother got the news of her diagnosis, she was very scared. I was very scared, too, because I had not even got two years into adulthood yet and this was just happening right before my eyes.

What was even more ironic was the fact that I was a smoker. Yes, a daughter who smoked cigarettes with her parent, ended up with a parent who got lung cancer. I will admit, us smoking together didn’t help. However, after finding out my mother’s diagnosis, you can bet that I quit smoking immediately. My mother stopped smoking too, not only because she was stuck in a hospital, but me quitting was a motivator for her.

She started her treatments which I had to make time for. If you are planning to caregive, be prepared to wake up very early in the morning  because you might have to give timely medications and set up your love one for an appointment. I highly recommend that you wake up an hour in advance that way you can get yourself ready and then help your love one get ready.

Also, make sure you have something easy to make for dinner, otherwise you will (I promise you) make many delivery calls to the Chinese food place or pizza place, like I did for a couple of months. It’s best to microwave vegetables, that way if your loved one has cancer or Alzheimer’s, vegetables will fight the cancer cells and promote brain health.

Sometimes doctors or nurses will prescribe your loved one medication. A doctor prescribed my mother Dexamethasone (a steroid to make bones stronger and stabilize stomach issues) and we were not informed that the medicine makes my mother extremely grouchy (like picking up glass and throwing it grouchy). The more you know about medication side effects, the more you know what to expect from your loved one.

Ask your love one how to pay bills, so you will know how to pay the bills. Understand what sources you have (your dad’s card, your card, that credit card you have, your sister’s card) and how much you have access to. Thankfully, before my mom spent more than half a month in the hospital, I asked her to show me how to pay the bills, in case something happens. Instead of being angry or worried, it comforted her knowing that someone would be responsible. So, please know or try to figure out how to pay bills even if your love one has it under control. You never know when something can strike.

Finally, talk to your love one about their final decisions. You are probably thinking, OH no. I can’t do that. Yes you can. Just ask, “Hey, I am just curious, if you ever needed life support, would you want it? I don’t (or do) think I would want it.” Bring it up as a casual conversation. They are more likely to answer the truth or simply go smoothly through the conversation. My mom responded like this, “You think I am going to die, don’t you?” I responded, “No, I am just curious because one day I might have to make this decision for you. It could be 20 years from now, I just want to know,” and she was calm and gave me her answers. Later that day, she said, “I think I should do a living will. Who knows what could happen,” and I was very proud of her taking that step. It’s not easy to sit in front of a computer screen answering possible final questions to your life. That’s acknowledging the fact you might pass on. Takes true bravery and I love her for that.

I am going to be honest with you my fellow reader, you are going to cry. Their passing hits you like a wave. It is unexpected. When the doctors placed her on hospice at first, I told myself, I already knew she was going to pass. However, after the oncologists told her she will no longer receive treatment, I couldn’t function. I told her, “I just can’t watch you go,” I burst into tears and she gave me a hug and said, “I understand, do what you need to do.”

If you have another sister, brother, or cousin who can take on your loved one while you are struggling mentally and physically, by all means do what is best and find another resource as soon as possible. Contact mental health services if you have to.
Just let your tears flow and whatever you do, don’t hold it in. It will eat you alive. Just let your emotions out and eventually you will be okay. Surround yourself with friends and don’t make any rash decisions. Move in with a roommate or with a relative, bring in all family members as much as you can. If you don’t have a family, friends are just as good. Last but not least, when you are grieving, keep in mind all of the good things you are surrounded with. <3 Hang in there, you will make it.